Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.