*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants