“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.