Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
this has to be peak English
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.