Good morning y’all ☀️
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Stop.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Oh yeah that’s it
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”