Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Owl Sanctuary
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Nice try, NASA
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me