My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
man: wait
time: no
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.