My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”