2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
How is it still this week?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them