I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster