[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
How about daylight saves us for once
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
craving $300 all of a sudden
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.