Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
How does one answer this?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific