Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
not to brag, but mine was free
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.