I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
This is my emotional support knife.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
describing stardew valley
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.