3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*limbos away from your hug*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…