{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”