[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.