I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.