If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
What number SPF blocks people?