14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Boom, boom, ching!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.