HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.