him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.