Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Note to self: I am a note
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
also my go-to takeaway order
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”