If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
sensitive skin
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.