[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
nice challenge
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7