Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you