*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
This is a true ally.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.