Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
You Might Also Like
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Hell yeah 👍
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.