*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok