dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*