If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Miscakes
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Happy weekend !
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.