I’m pretty like a car crash.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.