Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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Not recommended for beginners.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”