Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
concern
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.