2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?