Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now