*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
live, laugh, laundry.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.