Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You Might Also Like
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
what’s really going on
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.