[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
You Might Also Like
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“no gods no masters” = leo
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
gm
who wants to go expliring
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?