Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Strangers have the best candy.