No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
✌🏽
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
wtf is a larm clock?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
This is my favorite one of these!