“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.