People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job