A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.