You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Tier 3 meme
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.