You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Meowchelangelo
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.