Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret