My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
😍😂🥰😂😍
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.