📽️movie date🎞️
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.