I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Hmmmmm
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run